Genesis 31:22-42
In verse 42 Jacob says to Laban, “In fact, if the God of my father had not been on my side — The God of Abraham and the fearsome God of Isaac — you would have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen your abuse and my hard work. That is why he appeared to you last night and rebuked you!”
I remember one tough conversation in particular back in early October.
He sat on my couch in tears. I had received loan paperwork in the mail a few days earlier that said I was a co-signer on a recently purchased vehicle. The only problem was, I hadn’t purchased a vehicle since 2017.
“What is going on with you? Are you okay?” I asked. With pain, frustration and a tremble in his voice he replied, “No! I’m not okay. Nothing is okay.” His eyes welled up with tears as he held both arms up over his head. His head tilted back, his eyes closed. We sat in silence. Eventually he got up and moved closer to me. He asked me to hug him and when I said no, he laid his head in my lap, wrapped his arms around my waist and cried silent tears. After a few minutes I placed my hand on his back. He slowly sat up, looked me in the eye and said, “Sometimes I wish I died in that accident. I keep thinking God is punishing me for doing you wrong. That’s why I’m in this dark place right now. I have nothing left to live for. Everything is my fault.”
I comforted him over confirming his statement of God’s protection over my life.
I may never know if he meant what he said or if it was just another manipulation tactic.
But in the moment it didn’t matter, it was no longer about the car loan. He was hurting and all I wanted to do was comfort him. So I did. I sat there and held him in my arms. He had spent the previous six years in prison and had just come home three months earlier. We had history, the love we shared had been real, my name forever visible on his wrist as a reminder. In the moment as I held him I told him that sometimes bad things just happen for no reason at all.
Reading Genesis 31 today though, I feel different.
I feel empowered. I feel seen. I do not regret the compassion I showed him, but I do regret denying God’s protection over my life in that moment. There was room for both compassion and truth. God had seen his abuse and my hard work. God will always see it even if no one else does. And in that moment I was primarily led by past trauma, my shame story and big emotions instead of by my faith and the Word. I comforted him over confirming his statement of God’s protection over my life.
Tonight in prayer I asked God to transform my mind.
To help me think less of my past love. Holy Spirit said to me, “You’re still claiming that the way you treated him, the way you tolerated his abuse, that all the chances you gave him were because it was the right thing to do, that you were being a good Christian. But my word says otherwise. Ask me to transform those thoughts. Boundaries are biblical. You’ve made progress with therapy alone, but break-through is coming as you also continue to desire and ingest my word.” I appreciate hearing from you, but dang did you really have to call me out like that? But for real, I can’t thank you enough Holy Spirit for your (hard) truth, wisdom and guidance!
Years ago as I welcomed Jesus into my life as my Lord and Savior the walls around my heart fell.
The ice around my heart melted. But I didn’t replace my old thought patterns and habits of judgement, sarcasm, hate, hurt, pain, and fear of abandonment with anything except God’s love, which ultimately brought me from one extreme to the other. It left my heart wide open, exposed, vulnerable, and easily accessible by both good and bad spirits. Just as judgment and hate are not Christ-like, being nice with no boundaries and tolerating abuse of any kind is not Christ-like. As believers we can extend love and compassion unconditionally, but access to our hearts should always be conditional.
As believers we can extend love and compassion unconditionally, but access to our hearts should always be conditional.
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst was a huge help and comfort to me as I navigated this time in my life. If my words resonated with you, her words and ministry may bring you comfort and healing as well.
https://www.p31bookstore.com/products/good-boundaries-and-goodbyes
Heavenly Father, as I grow in my relationship with you I just want to thank you for your patience, your compassion and your unfailing love. Even though we have had to go our separate ways I still ask that you cover and protect him Lord. In the name of Jesus I rebuke the evil spirits from his life. You perform miracles, signs and wonders everyday Lord, let him be your next miracle with complete healing and transformation of his mind and heart. Allow him to experience and rest in your peace that surpasses all understanding. In Jesus’ name I pray. AMEN.
