Several years ago I was struggling with insomnia. Work was an intense, high stress environment with a toxic culture full of unrealistic demands and expectations. But my title fed my ego and that kept me there.

It was like the second my head hit the pillow each night my mind would kick into overdrive thinking of everything I could possibly imagine…
– my to-do list that always had more items added than items crossed off
– all the people I needed to call or text back
– appointments I needed to schedule or reschedule
– my grocery list
– a response to a coworker I wished I’d come up with in the moment three days earlier
– new business ideas
– projects I needed to get done around the house
and every anxiety ridden thought and traumatic memory that I’d ever had throughout the course of my thirty-something years on earth. After hours of racing thoughts and multiple attempts at every possible sleep position you can imagine I’d finally feel my mind go blank, my body relax and I’d begin to doze off.

Then BAM. I’d be jolted awake by a panic attack.

If you’ve never experienced one, it can be hard to describe. Mine tend to have a large time component to them. It is by far the most intense fear I’ve ever experienced. It’s like I’m outside my own body watching the world move by at lightning speed and no matter what I do I can’t keep up. It feels like I am very quickly running out of time and I am helpless to stop it. I get a pressure and heaviness in my chest like someone is sitting on me. My heart is pounding so fast that I get dizzy and it’s hard to breath, let alone speak.

I used to just cry until my body was so fatigued that I would pass out from exhaustion.

I’d wake up a couple hours later with puffy eyes, a stuffy nose, and a headache and get ready for work. Later on after I gave my life to Jesus, when the panic attacks would come I would curl up into the fetal position and repeat 2 Timothy 1:7, replacing us with me, out loud as many times as it took to calm myself and hesitantly return to sleep. For God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and a sound mind. For God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and a sound mind. For God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

Spoiler Alert: I needed Jesus AND therapy.

Still do. It took me a while, but eventually as my relationship with Jesus grew and after some additional traumatic life events happened I began speaking to a therapist weekly. Among other things, she recommended creating as many to-do lists as I needed to in order to “empty” my brain before getting into bed each night. My to-do lists quickly turned into journaling, which turned into letter writing, which turned into constant documentation of my emotions, questions, thoughts, you name it throughout each day. As my walk with Jesus has progressed, I’ve enjoyed documenting what I hear from Holy Spirit in real time, as well as revelations I have as I read the bible and live life. Sometimes I laugh, often times I cry. Writing for me has become so cathartic and I am so, so thankful that it was recommended to me.

Life is beautiful AND extremely challenging. I’m here to share the uncut, raw realities of my life as a believer.

Both the beautiful and the ugly. Along with some insights from my therapist that have really helped me as well. My hope is that this page becomes a safe place where people from all walks of life can come to feel seen, understood, supported and part of a community. I welcome and encourage kind dialogue. I hope we can learn from and love each other.

It is my sincere wish not to harm or expose anyone with the sharing of my stories so due to the sensitive nature and transparency of some of my posts this blog will remain anonymous for now.